I’m tired of being alone. Tired is probably not the right word anymore. Because I passed tired a couple of years back. Now I’m almost certain that I’m scared. Scared because I’ve been alone for a number of years now and I might be getting used to it. While emptiness is not something one gets used to, one can’t help but surrender to it when it hovers like a predator about to attack its prey.

This is just a phase. A phase that I have to go through every once in a while. A phase that no matter how much I prepare myself for, never ceases to make me ask - WHY AM I ALONE?

I’m okay when I keep to myself. I’m fine when I only have to deal with my inner ramblings. But whenever I get smothered in the face with the reality that being alone & single is not as glorious as I make it seem, it does get lonely, depressing, frustrating and just downright painful.

I am single, alone and on the verge of insanity.

Help?

HELP!!!

Beauty is truth. Truth Beauty - that’s all you know on earth, and all you need to know. - John Keats

I’ve been sick the past week - chicken pox. No more flawless Goddess!

Through it all, one person has stayed by my side and constantly reminds me how much he loves me - JD. But what melts my heart is this:

JD: (staring at me while I’m looking at myself in the mirror) Mommy, are you sick?

ME: Yes, anak (very frustrated coz I have so much scars!). Mommy has chicken pox. Mommy’s ugly now.

JD: (still staring at me) No, mom. You’re beautiful.

‘Nuff said.

It’s better to have NOBODY than somebody who is half yours, half there, or doesn’t want to be there. Or is there, then suddenly… disappears.

It’s been a while since I last felt this. Just the mere thought of you puts everything into place. While this is the most unconventional of situation, that ceases to matter with your absolute being. It scares me that I’m starting to feel how much of a hold you have on me. Your effect on me is sending me places I never thought I’d get to be in again. How I am able to abandon everything that’s rational just to be with you is rather alarming. You have pervaded a palisade that a handful of others have tried to permeate. A barrier I have set up for myself to shield me from this very moment, from people such as you. I cannot begin to understand how you groveled yourself to my circle of trust. But you did and you are now, without a doubt, a driving force to my everyday.

What makes you disparate from the others, I cannot say. I know though that my entire antithetic susbsistence is compromised when I’m with you. Nothing matters more than the rare moments that I spend with you. You have made me discount reasons and despise probity. I am no longer seeking for what might be ideal because I have ventured into capitulating whatever we have - whatever you can offer and nothing more. Abating all sense of rectitude into nothing but absolute innuendos.

I know I should try and restrain myself from falling deeper into you — but I guess I’m awfully stubborn for that. I am acquainted with the fact that I should let you go — but I’m exorbitantly selfish to do that. I also surmise that I should, at the very least, admit that this is wrong — but even for that, I’m way too proud.

I feel myself getting lost in you.

I can feel you owning me.

I can’t let that happen.

You can’t have my life.

You already have my heart.

And that should be ENOUGH.

The original Filipino version of this collaborative effort between myself and Chroneicon can be found here. Heartfelt thanks to our good friend, Lethalverses, for translating Chroneicon’s part.

A cabalistic memoir

Has persistently reigned my existence

To seek refuge in his arms

Is my only recourse

Wishing to let me stare at you and you alone

Shrouding like a breeze, be my presence known;

Open your heart and let me impede not the truth

And let ourselves be ours from here and there on

As my faculties meander the spheres of nihility

I am fettered in the recesses of cataclysm

The desire to endure prevails

Merely grounded by his quintessence

We were so close that I can reach you with my arms,

Yet still, I can never reach your distant heart;

Why do I yearn for you even when you’re here?

Silently longing for you even when you’re near

My yearning has paralyzed my senses

Assaying implorations could not be coveted

His unparallel adulation is my universal chimera

My meager lucidity could only fathom

A love in perpetuity

But the only answer is the riddle itself,

Treacherously hiding within the questions themselves;

Waiting for the melody to become the song,

And finally continue this unwanted poem

While your imprecations I ascertain

Your pleas hover in the air that surrounds me

My faculties are deafened

United by my blatant desire for him

It is with immeasurable travail

Pardon my boldness and what it caused you,

That I must deny you my affection

But I’ll still give you my heart, though yes, I’m aware,

For the self I purport to know

That there’s nothing to expect, nothing left for me,

Is irrevocably and undeniably

But my silent wishes that he’ll also love you like I do.

In love with him.

 My web host encountered some technical difficulties and as a result, my site was down for quite a while. Also, the more recent entries were deleted. But, that’s all in the past! The Goddess is back and here to stay (i hope)!

God, I miss this!

Blogging was sheer accidental for me. It represented the triumph of the mundane and I was eager to oblige. Somehow, sharing the quotidian ephemera that is my life was intoxicating, oddly cathartic and sometimes even thrilling.

I remember the first few months that ensued after the time I signed up for my blogspot page. I was so excited every time I would log in to my account twice (or even more) a week and the “Write a New Post” button never triggered a nanosecond of hesitation. I would click on that button and blithely type whatever I was feeling or thinking. My thoughts were (almost always) coherent and I would write about things that would elicit my brain cells to function.

And then one day I got so caught up in the real world (or maybe, the real world caught up with me) and my blogging stint had to take the backseat. I still feel the blinding urge to write something - anything! But a glowing debility had assumed a pattern in my life, enshrining the unctuous bauble from before. I could no longer summon the will to script the saga of my life, one spasmodic sentence at a time.

But I guess this happens to the best of us. What matters is I’m back and I’m here to stay!

Beginnings are always scary…

And yet it offers new opportunities that are at stake, decisions to make,  chances to take, habits to break and souls to wake!

Welcome to my DEN.

As above, So below…

goddess

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

MY LIFE SOURCE.

I have blogged about my son a couple of times but I guess I have never really mentioned how much he has changed my life.

Jann Denzell, JD as he is fondly called, came into my life unexpectedly. Just like any other circumstances in my life, he was not planned. But I have loved him the moment I knew that I was having him. I may not be prepared for motherhood, but I knew that I was prepared to take care of him - best way I know how.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. The bad decisions I made are insurmountable, almost to shame. But deciding to keep JD is never one of those. It was the best decision I’ve made to date and I doubt that anything could top that.

Enough drama!

Salamat sa tag ni Damdam at makakapagshare ako ng moments naming mag-ina ng hindi kayo magrereklamo (hehe!).

Maging saksi sa mga nakakabaliw na eksena namin ng aking unico hijo…

SCENE 1:

JD was watching TV and may newly weds na nagsasayaw. So, tanong siya sa Owa (lola) niya, “Owa, what are they doing”. at si Madir, sumagot ng “They’re married.” Ewan ko naman kay mother kung bakit yun ang sagot niya kaya ang JD, lumapit sakin at sabay sabing, “Mommy, I will marry you”. (So, ang hindi nagawa ng tatay, anak ang gagawa?? hehehe!)

SCENE 2:

The last time we went to the Philippines, I took JD at a salon to get his haircut. I was happy that it didn’t take much convincing before he agreed to go. Normally, taking him for his haircut is like pulling teeth! But anyway, pasok kami sa isang sikat na salon sa Manila. Kinausap ko ang gay receptionist para tanungin kung nag-gugupit ba sila ng bata (buhok ng bata, i mean. wag kang pilosopo!). When all of a sudden, JD tugged on my arm, parang may gusto siyang sabihin, so napaluhod naman ako para marinig ko siya because he seemed hesitant to say whatever it is he wanted to tell me.

Mommy: Yes, baby, what is it?

JD: (in his softest voice) Mommy, is that a bhak-lah (bakla yun, slang lang ang anak ko)? I don’t want the bhak-lah to cut my hair.

At muntik na akong sumambulat sa tawa buti na lang poised si mommy kaya naman nagpaalam ako ng maayos sa bhak-lah at sinabing nagbago ang isip ni JD at next time na lang daw magpapagupit. Sabay alis sa salon at lumipat kami sa barbershop. Lilinawin ko lang, hindi ko pinapalaking galit o takot sa third sex ang anak ko. Ng minsan kasing dalhin siya ng daddy ko sa salon, gay ang gumupit sa kanya and medyo hindi naging maganda ang experience niya. Yun lang yun. Wag kayong mag-alala, he’ll grow up na bukas ang isip at mulat sa kanyang kapiligiran.

SCENE 3:

At ito naman ang scenario na hindi ko kinaya! Ewan ko ba kung sinong henyo ang nagpauso sa mga bata na sa tuwing nagkakasugat or nasasaktan sila, eh ipapahalik lang sa mga magulang at magiging okay na lahat. For a while, ganito ang eksena sa bahay namin, madadapa si JD, kiss ni mommy ang ‘booboo’. Mauuntog si JD, kiss ni mommy ang bukol. Pati yung napaso, natusok, at kahit anong masakit, kiss ni mommy and the world is a better place again for JD. A couple of months back, JD was having a hard time trying to pee. As in, nagwawala siya everytime na susubukan niyang umihi. At syempre pa, nasa mall kami ng maganap ang mga pangyayari. Nagtatalon si JD sa sakit at sabay sigaw ng…

“Mommy, it hurts!! Kiss my ‘putotoy’, mommy, it hurts!!”

Naawa ako sa anak ko, syempre dahil alam kong masakit nga ang nararamdaman niya pero namula din ako sa hiya dahil ang daming Pilipino sa mall. Takbo na lang kami ng ER at napagalaman naming may UTI sya. He’s better now and NO, I didn’t kiss his ‘putotoy’. Dahil din sa insidenteng yun, tuwing nasasaktan siya, iniiwasan ko ng halikan ang ‘booboo’ niya.

====

Madami pa kaming mga nakakabaliw na moments mag-ina, but the long and short of it is summed up to this — being JD’s mom is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it.

She has been here before, in this all too familiar road. Circumstances may be different but the roads all lead to one certainty – an inevitable grief. She was not in a rush to return here nor was she prepared. It happened on its own accord, without warning. She is not a willing participant but she’s in it nonetheless. She is powerless when emotions rule the game. Everything is at stake yet nothing is guaranteed. Outcomes offer no consolation. There’s an overwhelming amount of questions but answers are scarce.

Why does she enthrall herself to such atrocious bargain? She already knows that she is playing only to lose yet she subjects herself to everything iniquitous that this scenario entails. Why risk everything in a situation where she has nothing to gain and so much to lose – including herself. Why is she rationalizing the reprehensible? The amiss? Even the downright immoral? For what? More importantly, for who?

Apparently, being burned pretty badly before did not shield her from this moment. No amount of pain could ever stop her from being with him. For her, the risks may be high but so are the stakes. Although this warrants no certainty, letting him go would cause her more pain. It’s illogical. It does not make sense. Nevertheless, this is also what makes her human. Maybe she has to go through this. To better understand what’s out there. To commune with the unrelenting pain, the nagging guilt and the misery that will later unfold.

The things she knows does not matter. Consequences are of little significance. Outcomes become irrelevant. She is only concerned about the present. That it brings her more contentment than anything else put together. That the happiness she feels right now would be worth all the pain that is fated to come her way. After all, don’t they always say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Love is a blessing.

But this is her curse

And she’s embracing it

For everything it’s worth.

Commercial:
Let me share something that a new-found friend has imparted to me…

“I hope the Fates are being kind to you, as they have been to me. They do tend to twist us like pretzels and sometimes stretches the path with sunshine and moonlight showers.

We never needed to try to matter in the face of adversities and interwoven peculiarities. Because we matter whether we try or not.

I’m glad that you are better. Don’t speak your doubts, especially if it is about SELF, we empower them.

Expecting your new post. “Be the LIGHT unto THYSELF.”

Take Care.”

Being in a foreign land, I found myself groping for a place of refuge. In my prosaic attempt to actually bear the tribulations of living so far away from my friends (this is after all the excitement had worn off), I stumbled upon “my sanctuary”…

The path leading to my sacred place

I go here for the greatest and lamest of reasons. This place had been a witness to the rollercoaster that is my life. It has heard all my (necessary and unnecessary) grievances, a sole attestant to my deep-seated loathings, lone witness to the shivers that a good book gives me.

This is my stage and the living creatures around here are my loyal audience. The cliff has endured the echoes of my screams and it cradled my unrestrained laughter (parang baliw lang?) without complaints.

========

I promised a very dear friend that I will also post a picture of my lunch area…

I normally spend my lunch time alone, unless Neens and I make plans to meet up (which is not very common since my office is 9 bus stops away from hers). The Park has offered a kind of solitude that you can rarely get in a busy downtown setting.

People would always ask me to spend lunch with them but I almost always decline (office party lunches are often hard to resist). Not because I am an anti-social (o sige na nga, a little!) but mostly because I consider this time as my “holy hour”. A necessary break from the morning that had gone by and a significant energy booster for the afternoon that has yet to come.

A peek into my world. =)

COMMERCIAL**

I went to Party Packagers yesterday to buy stuff for JD’s birthday party. My mom saw an afro wig and had JD try it on.

One thing’s for sure - afro or no afro, my son’s the cutest!